Journal of a Female Quixote

A thousand blank pages await to record a few thoughts,
Serious or trivial or at times a mixture, just like this life;
All gathered from the same quixotic rambling heart,
One that has loved to dream, to fly, to win and to keep.

The serious thoughts were all about a love in my life-
How from a stranger you became my heart's anchorage,
From a chance acquaintance you grew into my world,
Changed my world into one of pleasant togetherness. 

The trivial thoughts were scribbled on early mornings,
A bundle of words on the pure delight of being alive;
When a burst of fresh air and a bit of bright blue sky
Were more than enough to keep this heart stay high.

But the best ones are the mixed ones, serious and trivial,
With and without you that finds room in today's journal. 

Leaves in his hair

Monsoons

None could hear what the rain whispered to her in those dark nights.
He would follow her everywhere, with long fingers and intense gazes,
When she was walking up the road, his eyes would fall on her,
With a ravenous hunger, ravish and pierce her soul with agony;

How could she complain, for she loved him with her silences,
Gave him her heart and soul, let him own all her sacred spaces,
Whatever love was in her heart she gave without conditions,
So haunting was his love, his total devotion and his persistence,

In not letting her go that she couldn’t breathe a word to anyone.
Dodged everywhere and chained to him by each passing thought,
For one who never will turn up  when she needs him the most,
Lost and gone, this one dark love of her life, kills her the most,

Makes her forlorn, hysterical and desperate though lost and gone,
For a single tryst, a single glance and the soothing tone of his voice.

Confessions of a Female Quixote

You are in your twenties. You are a woman. You are single. You are crossroads and you are slightly confused with just one thing: love. What I mean is that you have a plain uneventful life with order and balance and all of a sudden you are unexpectedly drawn into a whirlpool of emotions, the moment you develop an interest in a guy.

Irrespective of whatever interesting adventures you are in the middle of or what work you are doing, this one person becomes the pivot of all your thoughts, so much that you are hardly able to find your balance in life and it becomes so obvious to the people around you that you are interested in someone. If it happens, not once but twice then you are done for and add to this, the fact that you are shy and find it difficult to communicate what you feel to the person concerned.

So the end result is a journal full of choked up tears of absence, kisses of fettered affection and unspoken love. Some of the agony is because of shyness but mostly because the person whom you attract is also of the same kind: shy, proud and difficult to understand. So, these definitions are a way of getting over what I know might be the best possible love in the world, of a magical chemically combustible kind, but mostly existing in the field of imagination and fantasy.

So, this female Quixote who reads too much, loves too much, thinks too much and writes too much. She has no windmills to fight for but her own personal fears and inadequacies. Rather than confiding in intimate friends or confessing your love to the person concerned, what you do is to scribble some loving thoughts in a journal on a daily basis, so much that over time you discover that the person you love has turned into a myth.

Then years later, you stand face to face with the person who provoked all this writing for years and all you want to do is laugh out loud because you feel like a teenager once again. Not just that you have made a myth out of the object of your obsession.

For us

You are my want, my need, my desire, my everything, my addiction that I never want to give up. May be the years, months and days might change this feeling for you.

But even after all these years, I want yours to be the shoulder where I return to with all the broken scattered pieces to be held close and put together; yours the eyes that hold the gaze and not hold anything back; yours the lips that greet me in surprise and yours the comfort that stays with me during the whole day. 

But right now, you don't seem to understand me and for now may be I don't want anything else either.